Diva Christmas 2025 is Still NOT WHAT I EXPECTED

God-

Why, God?

Why? 

This wasn’t the devotional I wanted to write next, you know. I was supposed to be on an upward incline and write about how Christmas is messy AND magical. Wasn’t I?

It’s Christmas and we’ve already been through so much this year. Not even just this year, but the last three months have felt like hell. I’ve leaned on you immensely. I’ve literally been brought to my knees. Broken bones, multiple broken pipes, emotionally broken children…everything breaks on deployment they say, and Murphy’s Law sure didn’t take long with us. 

So why, God, why give us more? 

A car crash?!

A SERIOUS car crash. A totaled car. An ambulance. 

I was and am a mess, much more than one week ago. Christmas just feels messy! 

Everyone said that it’s just an accident – and not to blame myself. “That’s why they call them accidents.”

But I did this, God. I made a huge mess.  

And you know as soon as I start to think of this, I’m brought back to the ambulance and the EMTs. I was holding it together for my kids, and I wanted to get them taken care of. 

But inside, you know I was screaming, Lord.  

And suddenly I feel the snap of the collision again, I hear my children’s cries, I see the impossibly slow round and round until my SUV stopped moving. How did I even get it to stop? 

I remember my prayer “Lord just let my babies be okay. Just let them be okay.”

And we are okay, all of us. I’m grateful to You for that. So grateful. I know how close we came to serious injury because of one. split. second…

Crash.

What a mess.

I’m looking down, Lord, taking torturous breaths as my bruised abdomen rises up and down. I’m trying to find the next words, God…  

But I can hear the enemy whisper “Hate yourself. Hate yourself…” 

It feels like a taunt. It feels like a dare. I think about all the trauma this is causing my kids, all the money this will cost, all the stress it will cause my husband…

“Hate yourself” the voice says. 

It feels like a dare.

Not today, Satan. 

I say under my breath.

I know that voice will be back again, Lord.

I’ve done this dance. This indulgent, cyclical dance of blame and guilt. Loathing myself and all that I am. Punishing myself mentally and physically. For what? You know. Everything.

I know that voice will be back again, Lord. I know this could be a bit set back for me mentally. This is a big mess I made.  

But today I still hear Your voice, and I pray Your light won’t leave me when the sun sets on this day. 

Thank you for bringing Brandon home from deployment to help me. Thank you for the bystanders that helped. Thank you for keeping all of us involved only minorly injured.

Help me, God. Help me through this mess. Help me through this Christmas. Help me care for myself and my children and make this Christmas magical still. Please bless the other family as you’ve blessed us. Please help us heal and wade through this chaotic Christmas. We need you now more than ever. 

Amen