Merry Christmas
Dear God:
I’m sitting at home on Sunday morning, looking at my Christmas tree. My kids are playing with their new advent calendar toys. My husband is in the kitchen, quietly and intently obliging my children’s request for breakfast: “something random.” Everyone is eagerly awaiting what Daddy dreams up; I gave him some easy ideas but I think he’s really going for it today; He’s got multiple cereals out, a pan, and pancake mix.
My collarbone really hurts, but my concussion seems better today; I’m not so dizzy.
I’m listening to my favorite legal commentators on YouTube, and my kids are even being pretty quiet. They show no signs of physical trauma or even really emotional trauma. The doctor said that they are perfect. Even the mental health counselors said they’re doing great – though I will continue to make sure of it.
My son comes up to me and says “oh my gosh mom; we have so many presents! I wish we could open them all now!”
Daddy walks into the room and serves up “Reese’s puffs/lucky charms/cinnamon toast crunch pancakes.”
They’re apparently delicious, because my son says “Dude these are so good.”
My daughter meanwhile, is suspicious. She needs to know exactly what is in the pancakes. Daddy eagerly explains.
My dogs are sweetly snoozing on the sofa as I continue to just rest beside them with my heating pad. Thank you, God, for heating pads!
Now my husband comes back with pancakes on a tray for me. God, how did I get so blessed with this husband?
I really am so, so blessed. And I am so grateful, Lord. Last week I was full of emotion, and it came out of me in my prayers like fire. I had to get it out. Thank you for listening to my heart, as you always do, of course.
I am grateful, lord, and not so angry now. I still feel some bitterness. It’s still raw.
I feel bitterness at the EMT who examined my kids and never examined me – the one who stopped mid sentence to say, “ma’am, if you calm yourself down, your kids will feel a lot better. You need hold it together for them. Okay?”
I told him through tears, gritted teeth and my shaking body that he had no idea how hard I was trying to do just that. I was trying to fight off the thoughts of hitting myself, the thoughts of ending my life. It took everything in me to not blurt “I’m gonna kill myself.”
His words made me feel even worse. Like I was failing at holding back those thoughts and hurting my children EVEN MORE.
I know he was trying to help. I know. I don’t blame HIM. I blame the words. They cut like a knife.
Those thoughts are long gone. And I am grateful, Lord.
I was really upset about my car, God. I felt so guilty. And SAD. Last week I said goodbye to my car. My dream car. And then at Target, while my husband shopped for stocking stuffers, he found a little red car in a box that read: “your dream car.”
The $1 purchase sits now on my desk, reminding me of the good times with my car, and now I’m just grateful I had that car at all. The insurance will work on helping us get another one.
The raw emotions have dissipated and as Christmas draws near, I’m able to see through the fog of shame, guilt, anger and pain.
For that I am very grateful today, Lord. Please help me continue to heal, Lord – for them. For my family. For Sundays like this.
Let all that I am praise the LORD;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
Let all that I am praise the LORD;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies
Thank you Lord for all You Are.
Amen
Divas,
The prince of peace shares His crown with us: He crowns us all with love and tender mercies.
Trauma blinds us. The enemy blinds us.
We are in a broken world but He came to Save us. And we are His.
I lived out that realization in these Christmas devotionals this year. Thank you for being with me.
Straighten your crowns, Divas, you are daughters of the King.
Merry Christmas
And his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.
